Could I Be That Crazy?

I had a pretty good day yesterday. I didn't get anywhere near losing the plot.
I'm letting myself down today. This morning I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and a little paranoid.
I saw the doctor yesterday. She insisted that the 'motion' that i had the other day was probably because whatever bug I had was working its way downwards and out. I need to start eating properly.
I've got to go back next Wednesday for a psych work up. That way I can get 20 sessions with a psychologist. Is it weird that I am excited to go to see a psychologist? I guess that it is about time that someone diagnosed whatever was going inside my head. Its probably nothing. Or it could be worse than I thought.
I could be completely nuts.

Can You Say Phew!

Can you say, phew!
Hippolytus called before. He and Lamiai have been talking, but from the sound of it he hasn't really said exactly what he's been thinking, and he's agreed not to leave. I've suggested, rather emphatically, that they go see a councillor.
They've been together for 8 years, they can't just give up on it. If he really is as miserable as he says he is, and if she really does put him down in front of other people like Metis says she does, then they probably should split. But for the moment (and selfishly for myself) its best if they give it another shot.
The only thing that I feel good about in this whole mess, other than the compliments he doles out to me constantly, is that Metis says he's a completely different person. For the first time since she's known him, years, he seems more confident. Happier. That's why rejecting him would have felt so bad.
I do hope it works out for them.
Now I've got to go get me a date with someone more my type.

Too Far

This thing with Hippolytus has gone too far.
I keep pushing the idea that he needs to give Lamiai a second chance because its the closest I can come to outright rejecting him. I'd feel guilty about saying no after all of this. Especially after him saying that he's always been the one thats been rejected and his terribly low self confidence.
But I'm not interested in him. At the moment even sleeping with him if he were single is a unattractive prospect. Not because of him, but more because of me. I'm in one of those states of mind. I've given him that one chance I spoke about and I wouldn't go back for a second date. I've given him the impression that its a sure thing, despite my constant 'give her another chance and 'if you break up you need to go out and date A LOT'. I mean, he turned up at 7am to tell me what was going on.
Ugh.
I've got a doctors appointment this morning. I really did almost lose it last night.

Deal Breakers and Preferences

In an effort to take my mind off my insanity I have decided to try and outline what I would like in a guy. I don't have any specifics in mind- I will give pretty much everyone a chance, at least to begin with. If I knew exactly what I wanted in a man then I would be able to go out and find him. I know it when I meet him. But like everyone I have my deal breakers and preferences. Deal breakers, in no particular order, would be;

1. Drugs.
2. Physical violence.
3. Emotional abuse.
4. Isms, or any sort.
5. Misogynistic.

Preferences, again in no order, are, better written not in point form. Examples of things that I liked or disliked from previous encounters.
1. Intelligence. One of the things, no the thing, that I find unappealing about Hippolytus is that he isn't exceptionally intelligent. He isn't an idiot by any means, could actually probably be a lot smarter than he seems if he got some confidence. But I'm smart. When I'm not letting my brain get the better of me, which unfortunately is a lot, and when the synapses are firing properly (I swear I have a broken connection in there somewhere), I'm rather intelligent. I don't need someone with a genius level IQ but someone close to me would be nice. (I suppose a reader would come under this heading, though that doesn't actually denote intelligence).
2. Someone I'm attracted to. This isn't a hard one to fill. While I think Jason O'Mara and Brandon Flowers are the epitome of good looks, I find a lot attractive. I can't say with any certainty that I like them tall or short, fat or thing, blonde or brunette. I like anyone from Gerard Way (as a blonde) to Gary Dourdan. Character has a lot to do with good looks.
3. Someone I can talk to easily. When I think of this I think of Atlas. That first day that we met we were sitting there for hours talking. It came so easily. I hadn't a clue about how much time had passed until some idiot make a stupid comment about how long we had been sitting there ignoring the rest of the world. I don't even know what we talked about but it came so easily. Not just that first day either. I want that.
4. Sexual compatibility. That's kind of a given though, and a necessity, isn't it. What's compatible with me? Adventurous but also romantic. Someone that understands that there are times when I just can't get enough and other times when the idea is psychologically repulsive. This is a whole other thing. I have to say, Eros, the first guy I had sex with, really set a high precedent. I got lucky that way.
5. Space. Anyone that I become involved with will have to realize that there will be days when I just don't want to be near them. While I am highly affectionate most of the times there would be days when I can't stand to be touched.
6. Someone who will tell me that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and will tell me that while we're having sex I am the only person that they are thinking about. If I ask, 'is she prettier than me' he'll say, 'no', even if he doesn't think it. And he'll say it with sincerity.

Big Night Out (BNO)

Aura and Metis are a crack up. Those girls are class. I suppose at least fifty percent of the night was spent laughing. Though I don't think that they really are pub chicks any more.
The night started at about 7pm when Hippolytus showed up. I had sent him a message telling him to come around before hand so that we could talk. I had all those ideas in my head about what to say. As for the questions;
Does he want things to work out with Lamiai? He says that he doesn't want things to work out with Lamiai,though I am not so sure about that. He'll stay with her for the children if anything. He went around and around in circles with this question. He wants to but he loves his children. She'll make his life hell if he does. Now, I am only getting this from his point of view, so I'll try to remain a little unbiased towards this notion.
How long has be been thinking about leaving? He's been thinking about it for a long time; they no longer sleep in the same bed or anything like that. They don't get along. One of the reasons that he has been thinking about leaving her lately is me- "if I hadn't met you I probably would still be sitting at home putting up with it all" he said. I didn't like that. This should have nothing to do with me.
Has he ever cheated on her? No. I didn't even have to ask that question.
What is he going to do about all of this? I think nothing. I don't think he'll ever leave her, and I suppose that is for the best. Actually, that is for the best.
At about 8pm we went down to Metis's place where she and Aura were drinking. It was fun and they're funny. Their friend Cyparissus stopped in for a while, we sat around talking and when the rain finally let up, about 10pm-ish

(crap... I have stop answering private calls- it's him...)

we hit NAME WITHHELD. The music was terrible but darn! how many looks did I get! Woo-hoo! I did think about talking to someone who was eyeing me off. I should have, it would have stopped me from wanting Hippolytus to touch me because this morning it does not seem appealing. Sobering daylight.
The music and atmosphere was so bad that at some point we decided to head down to the Lonnie but Aura didn't have any id so we headed back to NAME WITHHELD's.
At one point this drunk guy was walking by the table. He looked at me, looked at Hippolytus, looked at Metis and then saw Aura. His face broke into this great big smile. He looked down at her sizable chest and the smile became a giant 'oh yeah, baby' grin. I just cracked up laughing. Being drunk he took that as an invitation to come over and have a little chat. He stood so close I could smell him. Nor could he stand up straight. A would lean a little to the left and he'd lean a little to the left. I was like his retaining wall. We were having a 'chat' for about ten minutes when he started becoming obsessed with this hot guy, wondering who he was and how he knew him. The guy was interesting enough, didn't look terrifying or anything. Actually looked quite nice. The Drunk Bloke though wouldn't talk to him because he was talking to two women (though I have to say, while these two women looked good The Hot Guy did not look interested). I don't know how I finally got rid of him, but it was funny while it lasted.
The funniest part, but not in a ha-ha funny way, was that we ran into several people from the school and Hippolytus may get himself into trouble for that. If only he'd told her he was going out. Been honest. I want it to end now.
After we left, early, I had Hippolytus come in for a little. I know I said that I wanted him to touch me, but I would have done with anyone touching me last night. Someone just to reach out and hold my hand. He was so good though. Didn't touch me once. Good. Perhaps my plan to get him to dislike me has worked!
While we were talking I kept going back to Lamiai because I think that's what he needs to think about. His family. Go to them, work it out.
It's not funny any more.

I Didn't Lay a Finger On Him, I Sear

We got home from the pub early, but it was still fun.
I swear, I was that close to sleeping with Hippolytus, if he would have slept with me. He never even once touched me. Though that didn't stop me.

I Want To Be Touched

Hippolytus is supposed to be hitting the pubs with us tonight.
I didn't buy condoms, so that's a start.
I don't think I will do anything. If he does come out with us tonight, and if he is still interested in me by the end of the night, then I will invite him in. But only so that we can talk. Tell him everything that I have been thinking (other than the part where I don't really think that he is my type and the reasons for that).
Last night seems so surreal. I want him to tell me again that he looks forward to Thursday and Friday.

That he thinks about me all the time.

I will say to him that, and this will just all be a rehash of things that I have said before, in point form...

1. You're in a relationship.
2. If you break up with her then I wouldn't say no to "getting to know" him.
2a. That is only if he breaks up with her for any other reason than for me (not that I'm that arrogant).

There are more questions that I want to ask. Most of the questions resolve around me getting the answer I expect for number one...

1. Do you want things to work out with Lamiai?
2. How long have you been thinking about the reasons for leaving her?
3. Why have you been thinking about leaving her?
4. Have you ever cheated on her?
5. What are you going to do about all of this?

There are so many other thoughts going through my head but I keep forgetting about them as I go to write about them (I'm distracted by the television). I think the best thought going through my head is that hopefully when we go out I'll meet some hot, sober guy who wants to take me home and take me. I want to be touched tonight.

Late Night Visitor

Guess who just turned up on my door step!

I wanted to touch him. But all I could do was say that I think he needed to sort things out at home first.
I had an inkling about who it would be when I heard the knock on the door. Most people know better than to just turn up at my place, especially before a certain time.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked. I could feel my heart in my chest- he was giving me indigestion! I nodded and followed him outside so that we could talk without Eirene listening in. And because the house is a bit of a mess.
"I suppose Metis has told you how I feel about you." he said.
"Of course." I replied. (Oh! For a voice recorder!) He decided that it was about time that he told me how he felt. He's 'drawn' to me and really wants to get to know me. He's been getting headaches because he's been stressing about how to do it. How after Thursday and Friday he spends the rest of the week thinking about me, a lot.
"I really like you."
"I don't know why." I responded.
"Because you're nice and, uh, easy on the eye."
"I don't know what to say."
"I don't expect you to say anything. I just wanted to tell you."
We needed to talk about his family. If he intended on staying with Lamiai. We discussed what their problems were (she takes 75% of the money he earns so if he wants something he has to ask her; she wants things that he can't give her, like money to renovate the house or buy a bigger house; how if she hadn't gotten pregnant so quickly they wouldn't still be together; if they try to talk she mocks him;).
I said that I really didn't know what to say, he had to try and have a talk with Lamiai.
We bitched a little about her friends, because that's also a problem. The gossiping and the innuendo. At some point he reiterated how he really wanted to get to know me but he couldn't because if he spoke to any of us, even innocently, it would get back to Lamiai (another problem, he can't really be friends with who he wants to be friends with)

(...shit... he's on the phone right now)

We finished the conversation by reiterating everything that we just said, mostly with him saying how he really wants to get to know me.
I wanted him to touch me. I know he's not my type, but that doesn't mean that it isn't all flattering and amusing and I just want someone to touch me.
That phone call. Metis innocently suggested that he come out with us tomorrow. He wants to come out with us tomorrow- he's gotten permission.
Nothing is going to happen between us, so is there any harm in a couple of friends going out together?
I wonder what he meant by "there's another problem" when I mentioned that I didn't have much to talk about. Now I am being paranoid.
Oh well, it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Lamiai. Must keep her in mind.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I was stuck talking to Hippolytus this afternoon.

A bit of background... I met Hippolytus either early last year or the end of the year before. Being friends with Metis he came and sat and talked to us while we waited- about his neutering of all things. I'd never paid attention to him nor did he never really crossed my time until about nine or ten months ago. Metis informed me one evening that she had been lucky enough to have had a conversation with him when I wasn't around, about how he fancied me. Flattered and amused I noted it in my journal and quickly forgot about it. I wasn't interested in him, and beside that he's been with Lamiai for 8 years and they have four children.
That was until a few months ago when it started getting serious. While Metis was on her way home Hippolytus pulled over, covertly because Lamiai would not have been happy to know that they were friends, and told her that he really, really, really liked me. LIKED ME! I was flattered, but more amused than anything.
It isn't that I thought/think myself better than Hippolytus that we found entertaining, its more that he's just so not my type and how obvious he was once we actually started paying attention. Everyone would tease me about it but no one said anything to him. This went on for months. Until today...)

I had thought after yesterday that he was no longer interested in me- he seemed not to be looking at me as much as he used to. Before every time I turned in his direction he was ogling me (me!). Alas, I spoke to him this afternoon.
The most memorable moments of the conversations were these...

-Hippolytus was talking about how he had gone driving down the coast a few times. I sarcastically- and stupidly- said "next time you go, you know where I live." He responded with "you don't know how many times I've thought about it." Then he stopped himself quickly and tried to come up with something that sounded less like it actually was. A 'because, you know, once you said... that you'd never been down there' response to cover a slip.
-I reiterated how we had almost been neighbours. He had said that he wouldn't have minded that.
-We were discussing Lamiai, because I wanted to keep bringing the conversation back to that (the way that I did with Atlas last year, after I discovered that he had a missus so that I could remind myself (and him a little) that there was someone else to consider.) Of course he wasn't painting a pretty picture of his relationship with her (they had a brief fling, she got pregnant and they stayed together because of that and the subsequent children). At one point he was discussing how things weren't working and I know he was just about to say that he had to sort things out, as in leave her, but he caught himself. (Once again I wish that I had a voice recorder).
.When Metis finally turned up we discussed possibly hitting the town tomorrow and she made a point of saying that if Hippolytus wanted to come out, if he was allowed to, that we would be at NAME WITHHELD.

Do I want to go? Do I really want him to turn up? Yes. I do. Did I flirt a little today? Yes, I did. Will I do anything if I have the chance... I hope not.